-----------------------------The Prelude-------------------------
What you are about to read is quite lengthy, emotional, and tough. Although it may seem I enclosed many details, you will never know exactly what I've been through, what others have been through. This is written for myself, so I can remember...the day my heart broke.
------------------------------The News------------------------------
As I was amidst preparing lunch, finding the bill to pay, and beginning to shower, Theresa calls me. "Hey Jen, what's Michael's number." I head into Lan's room, almost instinctively, and sit down in her chair. "Oh hold on, it's 832...wait, why do you need Michael's number?"
"Jen, I don't want to freak you out but there's been an accident. Fan is dead." My heart stops. My body goes numb. My mouth can't form words. Not Fan, not Fan, not Fan. She's only 18. She's just recently been engaged to Michael, a different Michael than Lan's boyfriend. Not Fan, not Fan, not Fan. She's too young, she's too intelligent, she's...not ready. I'm not ready.
"I need to know if Michael has spoken to Lan after 9pm. Please give me his number or if you could talk to him...but first you have to stop crying." I give her his number, but I gave it to her wrong. I pull myself together and call Michael. He says Lan forgot her charger, a very Lan like thing to do. I have hope. She's lucky I tell myself. She wins in everything. She's alive, just probably freaked out somewhere over Fan. Yes, she's alive. She has to be.
Theresa calls again, giving me more updates. She tells me that she may have remembered hearing Lan tell her she's riding with Fan on this fateful road trip to a premed honor society national conference in St. Louis. My face goes numb. I can feel the loss of sensation and my nerves from the lower left spreading all over my face...I quickly head over to the SSB, a building on campus Theresa, Lan, and I deemed our second Austin home.
Once there, I meet with Michael and Theresa. Matt is also there. I ask Theresa, so is Michael Woodward (Fan's fiance) here? "No, he's gone," replies Theresa. "Oh okay, so he was here, is he okay going home? Is someone with him?" I inquire. "No...he's gone..." It takes me awhile to process this. Gone...what does gone mean? OMG, NO NO NO! Not Michael too! At least...at least...Fan and Michael are together...more shock, more pain, more disbelief. I find out that another couple, whom I've met at a soccer game, Stephanie and Nikolaos were also in the car. They are gone as well. Four people. This is too much...too much.
I walk with Michael to an open office. In that long stretch of hallway, Michael receives a call from Lan's mother. "Hi...have you heard anything yet?" I look to him and see his eyes beginning to tear. His eyes beginning to beginning to turn red. His voice beginning to quiver. "So it's been confirmed?...Have you decided what you're going to do?" I can't hear anymore. I turn deaf. I just look at him, searching for what I already knew was true in his eyes. He hugs me. I break.
---------------The Worst Spring Break Ever---------------
I didn't get to go to the rodeo as planned. I didn't even get to go on my usual anime marathon as planned. Instead I did something much more worthwhile...for Lan and her family.
Friday: I get the news. Set phone in action. It's not even before 9pm, but that's okay. Luckily my minutes began over again just recently, and I brought my charger. We all begin calling, as many people we can think of to tell them of the news. I hate the news. With each phone call, retelling the news made me hurt more and more. It was coming out easier, with less crying, with less emotion...I hate the news.
At the SSB, many people come by. I am glad for their presence. Grief counselors and the Dean of Students is there to try and comfort us, and inform us. As the Dean of Students read the Missouri traffic/highway report was hard. I couldn't stand to hear your name be called as one of those who had passed away. Everyone there was bumming around, just sitting in disbelief. We begin to talk about the situation, theorizing what could have happened, how could it happen to 5 such bright, promising, caring people.
We move into memory sharing time, and at the moment when I began to feel just a little bit better, the light above us buzzed and became brighter. We were all thrown for a loop, just silent with astonishment. A sign? No, it happened again when nobody was sitting underneath it...The cookies smelled lovely, almost like asian food. Such huge platters of cheese and fruit. The Doory Marshall girls of course took these home.
After being at the SSB for 4+ hours, Matt, Theresa, Mary, Andrea, Anh, and one guy's name who I can't remember...all went out to eat. Of course, I suggest Fuddruckers. Lan's favorite restaurant because of their awesome jalapeno cheese. I remember when we still had leftover cheese and you ate it with lettuce, silly girl. We sit at the Beatles booth, the one that I had wanted to sit at the last time we were here, you, me, and Theresa. Instead that night before Project (2.24.06), we sat at the Elvis booth and you told me next time we'd try and sit at the Beatles booth.
You make everything happen.
Saturday: Did I really only get 30 minutes of sleep last night? I guess so. Theresa, Mary, and I head back to Austin with their brother and cute dog Paul, at 6am. We stop by McDonalds for breakfast. I try to sleep on the way back, as I usually am knocked out after 10 minutes...but I can't. I'm afraid I'll have nightmares. I am already living in one.
When I get home, I call my sister to open the door. I head straight to bed to try and sleep. I decided I cannot sleep. She comes in to show me her baby shower gift. Cheerfully showing each cute toy, the books, the learning modules...I burst into tears. My sister jumps into bed with me and holds me. I get overheated and tell her I just want to try and sleep. I still cannot sleep.
I get out of bed, my dad is awake now and greets me, "Hi Pumpkin! How are you doing?" Crap. "Daddy do you not know?" My sister - "He's been asleep since before you called last night." Again, again I have to deliver the news. It's a lot harder now, I thought I would never have to repeat it...but I still do to this day.
I talk to Aileen for the first time in months for a very long time. It was a good talk. Really wish I had been in Austin when Aileen came with An to visit and camp with Xi and Jerry. What a full house it must have been! I can imagine all the laughter.
Thanks Stine for talking with me late into the night, listening to what I had to say. No matter what troubles we go through, we always get past them, and you are there for me. Thanks for the open invitation to your apartment with Cindy and JoAnna. I just may take you up on that offer sometime soon.
Sunday: Day trip to Austin, even though we just came back to Houston Saturday morning. Your dad and his cousin/family friend comes as well as me, Michael, Theresa, and Mary. I ride with Lan's dad halfway to Austin first. I try to sleep because again, silly 30 minutes of rest only last night. How annoying. Instead I sat awake with eyes closed as I listened to your dad recall your childhood memories with him, "and I would place her on my lap, bounce her a little bit, tell her to clap her hands, and she would...while laughing the entire time..."
We stop for a lunch break. At McDonalds. I just start to laugh, hearing your voice in my head, in all our heads, saying in exasperation and a slight mothering tone that we ate out Friday night, ate McDonalds for breakfast Saturday morning, and now we choose to eat McDonalds for lunch Sunday? Whatever Lan, you would eat McDonalds and Wendys with Michael all the time...
Lan, your room is clean now, cleaner than my room...the first time EVER...while packing your things, we discover all the things and clothes we thought we had lost, but all this time it was in your messy bed. Oh Lan, please tell me where my other Longhorn mitten is? It better not be in New York when you borrowed them!
I send out an email to everyone on Lan's facebook friends list of service times and about the Tuesday potluck. Again, thanks a bllion to Yeeland Chen, Jeff Ma, Sam Liu, and Melody Wang in helping to get all those 250+ email addresses. Thanks to you, I slept an hour that night.
Monday: I try to begin your eulogy. I write the beginning and the end. I have the theme, but there are too many memories and things I want to share. I talk to Joy, about speaking, and of course she wants to. Hardly any time passes by when she lets me know that she has emailed me what she wants to say. I have three paragraphs. Joy you are so quick! And of course your tribute has perfect grammar, just like Lan. I read Joy's words and tears come to my eyes again. You're a great writer Joy.
Hobby Lobby trip to buy scrapbooking materials. I visit Nick Burge's apartment with Theresa. While there, I get a phonecall from New York. It is one of your WoW friends Lan, and I AM SO SORRY AARON!!! For thinking you were Eric...and to Michael for making you call Eric and get all sorts of confused. I also spend the 30 minutes before closing time in Old Navy because my sister calls and tells me of their great sale. She buys me two pairs of flip flops and a striped henley. Thanks sister. And sorry about eating all your leftovers from Razoos...I hadn't eaten all day.
Tuesday: Michael, Theresa, and I organized a potluck at Kim's place, basically a Bellaire HS meets UT @ Austin mixer in Houston. I get to meet Joy in person finally. And see Aileen whom I haven't seen since tapioca night a few summers ago.
As people started to trickle in, it was as if it was a high school reunion, as many of the Bellaire people hadn't seen each other in years. People thanked us for organizing this event, but in all honesty, you guys made it happen. Nothing was planned other than to have food, hand out some scrapbooking pages, and vote on a tshirt photo. Michael lobbied for Picture 3, and Picture 3 it shall be. Sorry Michael if I embarassed you, thanks for being such a good sport =)
To everyone there: Thanks for the pictures (especially that of Michael and Eric as elementary schoolers). Thanks for the laughs. Thanks for the shared memories. Thanks for being there to support one another.
Wednesday: At 10am was Fan Sun's funeral, another one of the victims (5 total, did I mention that I knew 3 of them, met 2 of them?). Fan had the brighest face, that always lit up when she greeted me. I was her officer in TX FIRST, a freshmen only volunteer org she joined. She then became an officer, and was on The Project committee with me for two years. She's so intelligent, so driven, so outspoken and silly. Recently engaged to Michael Woodward, whom I knew as well. She was 18 (began college at 15). It was hard to see her, she didn't look like herself. She wasn't smiling, her eyes were closed hiding those sparking eyes, she didn't have her Ipod headphones in...Fan I'll miss you =( I'm glad you're with Michael now...have God be your wedding minister.
Lan's wake was from 2-9pm. Lan's female cousins on her dad's side put together a slideshow, mostly family photos. I cried when I saw pictures of her mom holding her so lovingly, Lan brightly smiling in her read dress...
We (the younger folk...Lan's friends) would retreat into the food room often to escape our sorrows and be our silly selves. Michael got slapped a lot, heh. Thanks again for the laughs, the shared memories, the shoulders to cry on, the hugs.
After the wake, about 20 of us piled into Theresa's house where her mom had homemade pho and eggrolls cooking. Everyone enjoyed the food and of course, each others company. So much that while most people left at 11pm, Jeff and Oliver who planned on leaving earlier stayed until midnight. I'm glad we could have so many laughs to prepare us for the next day...
Thursday: I somehow ended up being an odd job person of sorts. Emcee, contact info gatherer, eulogy deliverer, flower basket holder...I didn't mind, as most of the time it was someone from Lan's family asking me or directing me to do as such...but that funeral lady! She kept pushing me to move the funeral along faster! I should forgive and let go of this, that was not important. I met Chao, your third close high school buddy. She's a beautiful person just like you Lan.
You aren't supposed to cry after noon because this was when the monks gave Lan her last rites...she would be leaving this physical world to a much better one. Crying would hold her back. I'm sorry Lan, you may have lingered...there were many people who cried, as I did.
It was too hard to see her dad go up to Lan's casket and speak to her in such a loving tone. To see her Mom go up there not being able to say anything, just look upon her daughter's face. To see her cousins and brothers with such sad faces. To see how many people showed up, a full house that people were standing in the lobby and right outside the doors...Lan you're loved by so many people...
Mary told me how you once said that if you were to have a club birthday party (as Mary was planning to have one), you wouldn't have anyone there. "All my friends live in this house." No Lan, you have more than 4 friends...I hope you saw that room, because there were many people who would have been there on top of the 100+.
Thanks to those who spoke, Michael, Theresa, Mary, Neel, Lorne, Chao, Joy, and Peter. (Especially to Chao for not killing me for butchering one word of your poem...you had worries about the poem being inappropriate, but everyone loved it) Special thanks to the girl cousins for sharing those precious childhood memories and family photos. Thanks to those who carried Lan to her final resting place, Michael, Timbo, Jeremy, An, Jeff, Oliver, Yeeland, and Lorne. Thanks to the Dean of Admissions of Baylor Medical School who came. Such a pleasant and welcome surprise.
It had been cloudy all day, but when you moved from the funeral home to the cemetery, the sun broke out. It was as if to allow everyone there to feel your warmth one last time. Or to burn us since we were all in black. And people think you're so nice...
As all members of the Doory Marshall house stood at the head of your grave, I hope you were smiling and laughing at us. I know you definitely did when we (okay, just Theresa and me) broke into your song...your popular and lovely voicemail. "Believe it or not, Lan isn't right here. Please leave a message at the beep. I must be out or I'd pick up the phone. Where could I beeee? Believe it or not I'm not here!" *beep*
Then came the temple. Thanks Michael for basically volunteering us to go with you. I enjoyed it anyway, just wish I knew the meaning behind the ceremony. The vegetarian dinner was delicious! I could become vegetarian if they cooked for me every day. Imitation fish, just as tasty as real fish!
This was the longest funeral I've ever been to, from 9am-4pm. I passed out. My body had reached its limit.
Friday: Back to Austin, back to Doory Marshall....the house will never be the same again as it's absent of your laughter...and of your shouting of frustration in WoW play.
Saturday: Lan, I still went to Michael Buble. I called you for the song Under My Skin, as Allie informed me it's a Ballroom TA favorite. And just as I promised you when I told you I was going to see Buble and asked if you wanted me to call you for any song, I called you during Home. I hope you heard them from heaven.
Sunday: School sucks. And my room is still messier than yours. I'm going to the Buffy sing-a-long with Theresa and Kim like originally planned...I will sing extra loud with all my heart for you. Next time, Michael is coming with me. And he will sing.
Monday: School sucks even more. It's just as I had imagined the first day back would be like...people inquiring, people stopping me as I'm just trying to get to class so I can sit down and pretend to be normal. Pretend I'm paying attention to the professor. Pretend that nothing has happened...but I can't fool myself.
When I honestly do forget, it hurts too damn much to remember. To catch myself speaking of you in the present tense, to reach for my phone wanting to call you when I successfully pinched a squirrel's tail that day, to walk by your room wanting to make that dinosaur face and sound but nobody is there...It hurts to forget, and then to remember.
I walk to the SSB to go to Liz's old office where VSLC had put snacks and drinks in there. I sign your Project 2006 poster but cannot bring myself to write in the card for your parents, or on Fan's poster and card. Instead I hang out with Michael, Timbo, Jeremy, Theresa, Anh, and Jennie. We all have a ball just being ourselves, of sharing our stories of what happened to us this day and laughing...I'm glad to have them to identify with. We lost in our IM basketball playoff game though. I hope you're still proud of us.
At night Andrea, Mary, and I begin talking. We share our first days back and much much more. I go back into my room and think to myself some more. What a mistake it was to have chosen to live by myself in this room when I could have lived in the same room as you again. I play the what if game...it's not a fun game. I lose, I cry. Andrea and Mary come in. We talk more...and Andrea is relieved to know we also had the same thoughts, the same feelings. She is glad to see me cry since I seemed to be holding up so strong...I love you guys, my dear sweet roommates. We will be family again.
--------------------------The Eulogy ------------------------------She was lucky. Born on July 7th, at 7am – her life began with triple 7s. She hit the
jackpot, and she won big. The prize delivered was a charmed life that only she
could fully appreciate and love.
Lan Phong Nguyen is survived by her parents Viet & Hao
and her brothers Don and Matt. They were first to witness and experience her
warm nature, hear her joyous laughter, and see her smile with those oh so
enviable high cheek bones. Viet and Hao raised our dearest Lan to be an
intelligent, well respected young woman, who’s talents ranged from singing
ballads, to sewing Rinoa costumes, and also solving crossword and Sodoku
puzzles with amazing speed. Although, her most notorious talent was she would narcoleptically
fall asleep anytime and anywhere. But she always could stay up late into the
night to play World of Warcraft.
However, she did not let life pass her by. She fully
embraced it each and every day, and that passion led to greatness in whatever she
chose to submerge herself in. Whether it was mastering ballroom dance technique
or leading renowned organizations at UT to success or crafting homemade
Christmas cards and gifts for friends and family.
As her roommate for nearly 4 years, unofficially the first,
we would do everything together, along with Theresa Phan. We were the Three
Musketeers, but people preferred to call us the Three Stooges. What began as
occasional hanging out turned to her staying in our dorm room when she locked
herself out. I suppose she wasn’t so lucky then. But when we took trips together
to HEB, quarters in hand, she would always leave with an armload of stuffed
animals strategically acquired in the crane machine game. She would be chosen
to win Reef sandals and a luxurious mattress pad in drawings, when others would
walk away with a dinky cup holder.
Perhaps the greatest display of Lan’s luck would be the time
she played Texas Hold’Em for Chris Huang and won him $120 in 15 minutes. Only
she had the power to conjure up pocket aces, inside straight draws, and pocket
2’s to a winning hand. She would also call upon her powers to magically catch
the Enfield Road school bus
just as she walked up the bus stop, where as the rest of us had been waiting
for 15 minutes.
At times she would miss the bus, and the very last time it
was my doing. She had agreed to be my photography subject and was lying down on
the nearby ledge and pretended to be sleeping. With my back turned and
attention to Lan, I heard the bus coming and quickly gathered my things and
woke up Lan who had of course fallen asleep. But it was all too late and the
evil bus driver passed us by.
Lan was selfless and she tolerated much. When we lived
together in the dorms our sophomore year, often times I would take out my
contacts before finding my glasses. I never could leave them in the same place,
and she would always help me look for them. She would come into the communal
bathroom and hand me my forgotten towel with a sweet chuckle. Lan was known for
sleeping, but I was known for not waking up. She would always attempt to do so,
even if it meant calling a friend to lift and drop me out of bed. Such brutal
tactics, but it was out of love.
I loved being Lan’s roommate, and will continue to love her
as everyone present today shall. I will miss those sophomore nights when we
would lay in bed and talk each other to sleep as she would express her thoughts
and concerns. In the following year and a half, she confronted those concerns
and became at peace with herself.
Lan did not leave the world with any regrets, a reward
seldom given. In her 21 years she formed lasting friendships that would forever
change those who knew her, was accepted into Baylor, the medical school of her
dreams, and best of all, found Michael Wang, her true love, soul mate, and best
friend.
Like walking sunshine, she undeniably was happy with her
life. And that’s why she always smiled and laughed every day. Lan knew exactly
just how blessed she was and we are just as fortunate to have known someone as exceptionally
beautiful and rare as her.
***If you would like to read the other farewells from the funeral (they are splendid), please contact me (see below for contact information in How You Can Help)***
------------------Lan, I love love love you!--------------------
As I reflect upon the last two weeks I had with you, I can't help but wonder...did I somehow know? Did we all somehow know?
For seemingly no reason, the last two weeks I would randomly tell you I loved you. In very quirky, silly ways, as I was passing your room to the bathroom, then break out into a silly face or a dinosaur impression passing by your room back to my room. You would just laugh at me and say "Oh Jen." I don't like going to the bathroom now, your toothbrush is missing.
I don't think I ever told you I loved you before, and I'm very glad that I did. Even the last time I saw you, I told you over AIM on Thursday morning at 5am.
And I told you goodbye as I saw the back of your head as you yelled "Jen I'm leaving now! Wake up and study for your exams! Bye!" at 8am, leaving the front door as I was rousing myself awake on the futon in the living room. I thought to myself I should get up and hug you goodbye, I had a very strong urge to, but you left all too quickly, and I moved too slow. You were gone...
I promise to you Lan, that I won't beat myself with guilt over my away message that Thursday night that I left before heading to bed. "You will all die" had no significance until now. I promise to you Lan, I will never have another morbid away message, nor any emo lyric excerpt that you disliked anyway. I promise to you Lan, that I will do my best, that we in this house will all do our best to support those who loved you best. You will live on in our memories, our actions, and our hearts.
------Entry from 06.23.03 that still holds true today------
 Lan Nguyen. Apparently I met her during Orientation as well...but uh...I
don't remember. She knows exactly how horrible my memory is. I just
remember meeting her at the computer store. She's become Theresa's and
my third roomie in Austin. I'm rooming with her next year.
The first
time I met Lan, I thought she was one of those azn-ers. Oh boy, was I
ever so wrong. I FINALLY met a fellow girl gamer. I FINALLY met a girl
who disliked huge crowds of unfamiliar asian people because you felt
that you were being judged & slowly suffocating. I FINALLY met
someone who was like me in many ways. Lan is so cool, she introduces
herself as follows "Hi, I'm Lan, you know, like the local area
network."
She went around with me to the honor dorms as we knocked on
random people's doors to make a few new acquantinces (sp?). She scolds
me when I go shopping for the horrible way I shop whenever I do. She
shops the same way I do. Lan lets me drag her everywhere around campus
and she does the same. We share meals together because we both love the
macaroni and cheese...and we're always so low on dining dollars that we
HAVE to share or starve! (and when we did run out of food money,
Theresa graciously bought us our meals)
Lan taught me how to make stars
out of straws, and since I can't do them right, she makes them for me.
Lan is a silly girl. Lan is beautiful. She also is as adamant about no letting food go to waste as I USED to be..."What about the starving
children in Africa?!?"...this is one of the reasons why we share meals.
Lan lets me be stupid, but when I do something incredibly dumb and self
destructive, she lets me know it. She listens to me and is unbiased in
her advice...most of the time. She doesn't burden me with her grief or
problems, although I know she has them. She has Michael for that who is
a great boyfriend I must admit. Who else would drive all the way from
Sugarland, to Bellaire, and back to where I live just to drop off her
Coop rebate? Lan, you know that you can talk to Theresa and me. We want
to be there for you too because you've been there for us.
Oh yeah,
crossword puzzle & grammAr queen. Hope that crossword puzzle book I
gave you entertains you at work so you don't sleep as much.
Picture
Note: Us being goofballs since we are. I really am not that pale.
---------------------------How You Can Help-------------------------
There will be a memorial service, celebrating Lan's life loves this Saturday, the 25th at the Tejas house in Austin. There will be video games, ballroom dancing, and snacks (all Lan approved). There will also be a slideshow featuring Lan's life. And a scrapbook, a collaborative effort by everyone who has felt Lan's warmth.
This scrapbook is basically a summary of Lan's college life, as much of it is unknown to her family, as well as a page by each person (or you can team up with people) to put pictures of you and Lan, and write a blurb (in whatever form, poem, blog, song, etc) of a memory of Lan you hold dear, your relationship with her, what she means to you, etc.
Send me any pictures you have of Lan to EMAIL CENSORED. If you could print pictures for the scrapbook, your favorites, this will also help us.
Please contribute to the scrapbook. You can come by my house to put it together or pick up a page to do it yourself. Please call me at NUMBER CENSORED or im me at SN CENSORED if you have questions or want to talk. I would love to hear from you.
Also, AED will be holding a memorial service for all 5 of them (Lan, Fan, Michael, Stephanie, and Nikolaus) on the 23rd, Thursday, from 7-8:30pm on South Mall (the lawn in front of the tower that everyone sleeps on). Please show up and support.
------------------------------The Epilogue--------------------------
I wear my happy face, and go on with my regular activities. But I still am sad and still don't accept what has happened. It hasn't "hit" me yet. Thank you to all those who are standing by me, supporting me and Lan's family, Michael, Theresa, Mary, Andrea, Aileen, Joy, Chao...just everyone.
My heart is broken, but with every hug you give me, every laugh you get out of me, every conversation that is just normal...it will be mended. Except one piece will always be missing. Until I meet her again in heaven.
I love you Lan Nguyen (7.7.1984 - 3.9.2006), always and forever.
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